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This Fear Makes Sense

from The Dance by Julie Unpronounceable

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lyrics

This cannot be buried
I know this now.

I know I won’t belong for this knowing
But the truth needs to rise
Because
I miss my Mother
I miss all the beings throughout my family
And existence
That had to die or hide
To keep us going

We have survival.
We have that.
But we need life.
We need flow.
And I cannot flow in denial
In this insistence
That my body is not mine
But a tool of healing
For those who created me.

I cannot belong
To an ecosystem
Intent on holding on to systems
Only for the sake of systems
And not for the sake of life
Of breath

I learned to hold my breath somewhere
Someone wanted me quiet
But life does not begin quiet
We move
We breathe
We talk
We touch
We belong
No matter what

But mother and father are supposed to protect us
I choked under the weight of what was done to them
And now my full time job
Is continuing to find my breath
Over and over again
When it seems like that is life-threatening
To engage with a 5-alarm system
That lashes at me
With full blunt force
To continue to remind myself
That this fear makes sense

But it doesn’t serve me
And I am working towards change
But I am sacrificing all I know about what is safe

I don’t know what’s safe here

Sometimes people tell me I have a deep knowing
Sometimes people tell me they’re afraid of me

I don’t belong in the hidden depths
But it’s the only place I know to rest.

It’s exhausting pretending the truth is not the truth.

credits

from The Dance, released January 11, 2023

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Julie Unpronounceable Boston, Massachusetts

Docu-Post-Rock-Eclectic Singer/Songwriter

Julie Unpronounceable has a heart that's maybe a little too big, so she pours it into containers called 'songs' with words, bleeps, bloops, and musical instruments.

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